Exposed Foundations: Beneath the Concrete

I started this blog back in 2013 and it had a very different topic. In fact, I've started a few blogs over the years and I haven't been able to maintain them, usually because I outgrow them in some way. Thankfully, my move to Atlanta, in all it's overwhelming glory, has forced me to confront myself in ways that I haven't had to since college. My comfort zone was snatched away from me in unexpected ways and I struggled. I had to reassess who I am, what I value, what I need, and what I want to contribute to the world.



Here's what I've found - I need depth. I need to feel. I need to be understood on a fundamental level. I can't be boxed in. I need to take all I have and share it with others but I need to be replenished. I need to connect with people spiritually and emotionally. I need to understand more about a person than what they initially present to me and I need them to know more about me. I've also learned that I have to start loving me - all of me. And so, here I am - unapologetically free to be me. I don't promise you beautiful prose. I don't promise you the greatest writing. I promise you honesty and transparency. Feel free to join me on my journey.



I am...

...a Black woman, born and raised in NYC. If anyone asks, I'll tell them I identify as an Afro-Indo Guyanese-American with Amerindian roots, by way of Brooklyn, but most people don't ask. When I get comfortable, my accent is unapologetically Brooklyn. I understand Queens addresses and can navigate this confusing borough with the best of them. The hustle and bustle of the city annoys me but I miss it when I'm gone. I'm incredibly picky about my Chinese food, Caribbean food, and pizza. When I walk down the street, I never smile (my resting B-face is real y'all - Problems All People With Resting B#*!@face Will Understand). I look at people, but only long enough to let them know I see them, not long enough to start beef or elicit too much attention. When I drive, I look for the path of least resistance, plan out my route, and gun it to my destination (Atlanta, take note: Please get out of my way). I am NYC to my core. 

I am...

..."war-ish" (translation: rebellious / likes to fight / disagreeable). This has been my mother's way to describe my love of the word "why", my need to debate, and my refusal to blindly accept ideas. You can't get me to do much without a good explanation and some proof. Some call it "arguing". I call it "having the good sense to not blindly accept things". Case in point, at the tender age of 7, my mother told me that I had to learn how to cook for my husband. My response? "Why can't he cook for me?" This continued for almost a decade, at which point, I provided my mother with an amazing Target ad to solidify my defiance stance. It was of a half-naked man, with washboard abs, holding an ironing board. I cut it out and placed it on the fridge as a reminder to her that housework isn't women's work. Needless to say, I didn't learn how to cook until I decided that I should learn for my own edification. 

I am...

...not a lady. I hated (still hate) wearing skirts because of the CONSTANT reminder to "sit like a lady." Just hearing the words "behave like a lady", infuriates me. It usually translates into, don't ...sit like that, run, speak too loudly, say that, do that, etc.. I never understood why I couldn't just be who I wanted to be. Which misogynist wrote this book on etiquette??? I'd love to tell him/her that I'll laugh as loudly as I'd like, thank you very much. Politely, of course :-D Every one always seemed so preoccupied with how the world would perceive me. I assume that this had something to do with how it reflected on them but, quite frankly, I couldn't care less. I felt like they were trying to put me in a box and I just didn't fit.

I am...

... and have always been a bleeding heart libertarian / social liberal. I won't go deeply into my socio-political beliefs, but I do believe that everyone should have equitable opportunity. Every one should have access to basics like food, shelter, and clean water, while maintaining their dignity. If you were in NYC during the 80's and early 90's, you'll remember homeless people were a staple on the streets, with very few locations being an exception. My mother would freak out because her (tiny) 3 year old would run up to these strangers, sit next to them, and have conversations. In hindsight, I can see why she would be distressed. The slogan in NYC was (and still is) don't speak to strangers. I couldn't help myself though. I remember telling my mother that they looked so cold, lonely, and sad. I could see how people avoided them on the street and it distressed me. As I got older, I asked her why no one did more to help them. Around the age of 7, I decided that I wanted to start a non-profit that would provide the destitute with clean clothes and help them find jobs. Of course, by the time I was old enough, there were lots of non-profit programs that provided that kind of aid, but you get the point.

I am...

...a Christian. I do not believe in being dogmatic. I believe that God is love (1 John 4: 7,8, 16). I love that God trusts me to make good choices and gives me grace when I disappoint Him. I appreciate a Father who will let me make my own choices and has provided a path to forgiveness for me when I don't make good ones. I am humbled by the template that he provides for me and I try (and often fail) to give the love and grace that he gives me. I don't believe in arguing over religious principles, systems of belief, ideologies, theories, etc.. (It's the one thing I won't argue about! So that's
something, right?) I trust that God is fully capable of judging for Himself.

I am...

...passionate. I am sensitive. I experience life viscerally. I hurt easily but I love just as easily. I feel my experiences down to my core and they weld themselves to my soul, irreversibly becoming a part of me. I am so much more than the sum of the parts in this blog but this starts the equation for understanding me. I try to live my life in loving honesty. Some value that, some are perplexed by it, some hate me for it, and some love me for it.

I've made peace with all of that. I am free and unapologetically loving me. Until next time y'all...

Embrace Change in 2013

2012 brought some of the biggest challenges of my life. As I grew as  person and as those around me grew, many of my relationships went through inevitable changes. The biggest challenge that I faced was confronting the hurt that I locked away inside of myself. I realized that I, like many of those around me, took my hurts and did one of two things with them - buried them or acted out. My years for acting out were behind me and I was at the burying them stage. Truthfully, it became incredibly easy to bury the hurt when there was no reason to confront it. I smiled and joked with those who I felt hurt me & betrayed my trust, those who were supposed to support me, protect me & be there for me. Whenever I felt like that hurt was rising back up, I took my hiatus from those people. It was a fine line to tow and one that I am ashamed to say I did not traverse very well.

Unfortunately, taking a hiatus from people spilled over to everyone, even if they did not cause me harm, simply because I anticipated that one day they would. I withdrew and kept to myself, to the point where not even my husband could reach me. I had built a stone fortress designed to keep myself safe, only looking out from the turrets occasionally, ready to fire if necessary. As I look back, I realize that I lost a lot of people that I loved along the way and actually perpetrated the harm on them that I was supposed to be protecting myself from. When I first realized this dismal truth, I was incredibly apathetic about it, rationalizing all the reasons that various individuals deserved it. It was not until my behavior took up residence in my home and caused a rift between me and my husband, a rift that was visible every time I walked into my home, a rift that almost split us apart, that I was forced to confront what I had been doing for years. What I called protection was in fact separation. I spent so many years during my acting out phase pretending to be so hard that nothing phased me that people actually bought this farce. And when they bought it, I got angry that no one wanted to dig to find the incredibly sensitive, easily hurt, quick to tears woman behind the smiling face and ready jokes. In turn, this anger caused me to decide that no one should know who I really was and the easiest way to do that was to limit my interactions with people. The end result was really an abject loneliness.

2012 has taught me that communication, friendships & relationships are a 2-way street; we all bear the responsibility for failed and successful relationships and friendships. However, I have also learned that no relationship is 50-50 all the time and to imagine that it is is not only selfish but is setting oneself up for disappointment.

So 2013 is about learning to forgive myself, learning to deal with my hurts proactively and learning how to go through the process of forgiving others. I apologize and ask the forgiveness of those who have stuck by my side through some very trying periods and those who had quite enough and left. For those who left, I ask for a second chance to be better and I ask for the same open communication that I hope to give. This blog is dedicated to the love and relationships in my life. Here's to not bottling up emotions.

Let's love every day away in 2013 ;-)